The music in me...

I am one of those types of people who can remember things from a very early age.  My husband tells me he has no recollection of his life before middle school really, but I remember things vividly from when I was little.  One of my favorite memories is the music that surrounded me in my life, mostly from my mother.  She listened to country and a little bluegrass, and gospel.  I used to go to concerts with her and I remember looking up at her dancing and being in my own little element and I'd "break it down" in the comfort of her presence.  But there has always been something about music that CONSUMES me.  I had a friend at Lowe's that would introduce some of the best bluegrass music I've ever heard, and I'd take it to the park, or somewhere where I could be alone, and I'd just... listen.  Even to this day, my nieces will bring me music and ask me to listen to it, but I won't listen to it with kids in the car.  I need it alone to truly enjoy it and understand it.
For the past year I made a personal commitment to listen to NOTHING but K-love (Christian music) for an entire year, and it's made such a difference.  Let me tell you, my heart LONGS for all kinds of music... I love Glee, I listened to alternative and country before I chose K-love, and it's been a struggle to NOT listen to them at all.  I used to watch awards shows as a tradition with my mom.  I owned every Taylor Swift album made until this year, and on the way to the beach I heard "Mean" for the first time and my heart almost jumped out of my chest.... I LOVE her music. 
Anyway, music that worships my Lord brings me to a place where I feel like I'm honestly at His feet.  I've finally gotten comfortable with closing my eyes and putting my hands up when I worship through music.  Now I just need to understand that you can't do that while driving :)  And loving music can be a curse of sorts I guess.  I've always had the gift of poetry because I hear words in musical ways.  I enjoy dancing and do it in public and don't care what anyone things.. another consequence of musical love.  I sing, and once again, do it a LOT.  Yesterday, Haley had a friend ask her to quit singing because she was doing it so much.  The curse has been passed.  She also asked me to take her to the doc this morning.. I said, Why.. and she said "Every time I hear a song, I can't stop singing it in my head" and it really bothered her.  I curled her up on my lap and said, "Baby, welcome to your life.. you're just like me" and that in itself, is something to pray about :)

Keep it together!

I giggle at myself a lot because I tend to be the only one who understands me.  Does that make sense?  I walk around and talk to myself.  I walk in rooms, walk around in circles, talk to myself, then turn around to leave because I forgot what I came in for.  Then, miraculously, I can go stare at a wall in a COMPLETELY different room and recall that information.  Chad laughs at me because it's entertaining to watch.  It's even funnier now because I don't cuss anymore, so I come up with creative words to replace the ones I'd normally use when I forget my information.  My friend, Heather, thought I actually cussed on the way to Beth Moore when I said "Dad Shat!" because I'd injured myself.   She said, "You shouldn't whisper that because it sounds bad."  Worked for me.
The reason I brought up this point today is because I'm amazed at a stranger's ability to make me appear like a total idiot.  Today, while having a very nice gentleman from Time Warner come to install our digital phone, he asks me a simple question that I'm sure I should know the answer to, but I just stood there, with my mouth open.  He then proceeded to ask "other questions" so he could figure out the answer.  This also happens when people ask questions like, "How much is your energy bill a month?" or "How much do you and Chad pay for BLAH, BLAH, BLAH?" and I don't know about that sort of stuff.  In fact, I'm TERRIBLE with recall on almost all information.  Did you catch that?  Don't take anything I say as fact.  It's my interpretation.  I marvel at people who'll go to the same conferences that I do and explain the information a COMPLETELY different way than I do.  I even quote movies wrong.  I love my friends and family though... they've gotten so used to it that they know what I mean...most of the time.  I blame it on motherhood and I'd always heard that would happen.  Don't you consider it an adventure in motherhood to hang out with someone that doesn't even understand herself?  Come hang out with me sometime :)

Surrounding myself with positivity

My friend, Tricia, and I were discussing today how we are going to be more positive.  We're going to stop getting caught up in the drama of life and stay out of it.  Then she joking reminded me that I stay pretty positive.  She never hears me talking negative (at work).  I told her it's because I'm a "peacemaker" who wants everyone to be happy.  We recently learned about this in Sunday School and even church... about not being a peaceFAKER, or a peaceBREAKER... and I think I've taken on those roles more than peacemakers.  My dad told me once that I was "just like my mom" (and seeing as I lost her at the age of 20, AND she was my best friend) I took that as a compliment.  But he meant that I was always "talking" to people and meddling with their business, and then being caught in the middle.  That's ultimately what a peacemaker has to do sometimes.  My sister-in-law even told me that recently SHE's been put in the middle of an uncomfortable situation... a peacemaker in the making.  What I didn't realize is that being positive, and staying away from negativity, and being a peacemaker isn't the easiest road to walk.  For example, last year I vowed to stay away from drama.. and succeeded.  But others thought I was a "suck-up" of sorts because I focused only on school and didn't want to hear the petty issues.  That wasn't necessarily the right way to stay away.  I should've told them up front what my heart was feeling.  I should've told them that I carried home with me every issue and insignificant detail that others shared.. and how I cared about what they thought more then I thought I did.  It made me bitter inside.  So I gave it all to my God (who is so much stronger than I am and had been waiting patiently for me to hand it all over).  And now I try to speak "God" all the time, and hope that this helps me become a better person.  I just heard thunder outside my window and it makes me realize that sometime we need rain to clean things out for us too.  It takes these situations of cloudiness and darkness, and yes rain, to help me see that I have nothing to worry about.  I just needed a little rain to bring out the sunshine in my life!

Change is Good...

Guess what?  I ultimately survived being away from my kids and hubs for two days.  Going to see Beth Moore with the girls was an amazing and (hopeful) life changing experience.  There is more power than I can tell you in numbers.  Let me tell you how I came to truly understand that idea.
A little over a year ago, I was asked to join a Bible study group with some long time friends of Chad's (and mine).  I had been asked months earlier and expressed how I'd LOVE to do that, but didn't know.  My real problem was that I fear commitments... seriously to the point that I've lost many friends over this.  I commit to it, but then end up not following through.   I was also battling with a little bit of depression during that time, and I chalked it up to being a mommy of two and working.  Especially since all my friends that I talked to told me how "down" they would get and talked me out of lots of my fears (you know, the usual 'I'm a bad mom, I don't do enough at home, I'm a failure' type stuff).  But when I finally went to my family doctor and admitted out loud how REALLY down I was, he told me I had some depression.  Now I joked in my last blog that I needed to go back on meds... it's because my OB doc had me on Lexapro after Tyler and it wasn't helping.  I'm ALL about some meds if you need them, but this one didn't work.  When I admitted that I was down (never suicidal) and fearful of being around others a lot, the doc knew something was up... after all, I'm MELISSA.. the bubbly, happy person who makes others laugh (or I try to) but only Chad knew the struggle I had with that.  I feel sorry for all my friends that I "avoided" over the years because of my issues.  Dr. Ben told me to pray about it, and come back and we'd decide the next step. It was during this same time that Kelly invited me to join the Bible study group.   I had felt such a release by sharing my struggle with the doctor and being part of a Beth Moore Daniel study changed my heart, and life, immensely.  I became a better... well, everything.  I've only missed a handful of nights in over a year, I've started helping at the homeless shelter, and I've learned that I NEED strong, Godly women to support me.  They know about my depression and my struggle.  I know that others are experiencing this too and are too ashamed to admit it, like I was.  But there really is strength in numbers, because ENCOURAGEMENT is so amazing.  I pray with these girls and I'm sure miracles happen.  I hang out with these girls, and miracles happen in my heart.  I challenge all of you out there, who love and fear God, to join my group of prayer warriors, not necessarily in Bible study, but in being part of something that serves others, and sometimes, it serves your own heart. 

Far, far away

Ok, I am officially taking my first trip away from my babies (and hubby).  I've become part of an incredible group of ladies who aren't afraid to share their weaknesses or their desire to become more Godly.  It's with some of these ladies that I am going to see BETH MOORE...in Charlotte tonight and tomorrow.  We are staying at a hotel, and while many of you will say "Good for you!", I want you to know I don't feel so good about it.  My children have been staying with their "Granna and Grandaddy" since they were 6 weeks old, almost one a month at least, but this is different.  This is ME leaving.  This is ME not being there for THEM at night time to snuggle.  It's ME not being there when they wake up and want their cups.  I know my husband will be fine... no doubts there.  He's really one of the best daddies I know.  But I am very excited about listening to Beth share with me some more ways to grow.  I even went (nerd that I am) and bought a new notebook to take notes in. (of course, I had to get new pens too- to go with the notebook)  Ok, enough about me. 

Let me end on some sunshine that my son has brought me lately.  Yesterday, while riding to pick sissy up, he says, "Mom, I have some marker on my finger" and then holds his hand up in rearview for me to see.  I see that he's drawn on the bottom of this middle finger with a marker.  Two weeks ago we had two incidents with him sneaking a marker into his room and drawing all over himself when he wakes up.  Haley was even sweet enough to help him wipe some of it off so I wouldn't get too upset.  But my final words to him were "If you draw on yourself again son, you will NOT watch t.v. for a week- and that's a LONG time"  (because spanking obviously doesn't phase him)  Anywho, back to his middle finger, I said "Ty, I told you not to draw on yourself anymore" To which he replied, "I didn't!  The marker just jumped up and wrote on me!"  I couldn't help giggling.  I told him that I was going to make sure he never used a marker again... and that it made God sad when he lied.  He said, "Well, at weast I know the choof!"  (Atleast I know the truth)  This boy is going to be the one who makes me go back on medication :)

Putting on my armor

Having my summer's off has been a blessing... to myself and my two little angels.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  But "some" people think that because I have the summer off, I lay around by the pool sipping Pepsi, have lunch with my friends every day, and go to the park for fun.  Ok, I do those things (hehe) but I also juggle many other duties.  I clean the house, babysit other kids when needed, taxi cab drive kids to and fro, attend every church service offered, and struggle with feeling like a failure.
A very special friend/relative spoke with me yesterday about their struggle of feeling the same way.  I feel like a failure daily really.  I KNOW I fail my Lord way more than I mean to.  I fail my husband, my kids, my dad, my family, my friends... even people I don't know well.  But the encouragement I have is that God is there to forgive me of those things.  I also have the encouragement of the most AMAZING women that God has fortunated me the opportunity to call my prayer warriors.  If I ever stumble, or fall down completely, I know, that on this Earth, I'm not alone.  They are there with Scripture.  They are there with a hug, They are there with an ear.. to listen.  And they remind me that I'm not alone. 
Today my father thought it'd be fun to tell me all the things I do wrong as a parent.  And even though I could've used my mouth to defend myself (and ultimately do more damage to him than I intended), I just took a deep breath and asked him what he meant.  He told me I fussed at my kids over "picking up a sock".  He said it was ridiculous.  And as I listened, I let Satan (or his many demons) pull my confidence down even more.  I would love to find ONE mommy who doesn't feel like she's a failure.  So the timing of this conversation with "Pop" didn't come at the most convenient time.  But you know what I did?  I called my friends to vent, and piece by piece, friend by friend, they put a piece of my armor ON me... until I was fully suited.  Now, I know I'm not perfect, or that my dad was even wrong completely in his thinking, but I know that my kids are AMAZING.  And so are my friends.

Stubborn like his momma

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Why must they grow?

My oldest, Haley Bug, is attending her first camp this week.  She is at Rich Fork Baptist's "Summer with the Arts" program from 9-3 this entire week.  She'll be learning about God through music, choreography, sign language, musical instruments, hand bells, drama.. etc.  I didn't think it was that big of a deal until I started praying for her day and I got really sad.  It hurt when she started kindergarten, much more than I thought it would.  Haley has always been my independent child.  The one who walked into daycare without a wave goodbye.  She's always had this incredible confidence I admire.  Even her first visit to the dentist at 4 years old, she told me to wait in the waiting room until she got back.  So today I wasn't surprised that she walked in with her head held high (after a hug from Pastor Michael) and sat down without questioning my leaving.  I, on the other hand, had to fake the excuse that she "forgot to give Tyler a hug" and went in the give her MY bye hug.  I remember all the "older" people in my life telling me to enjoy life and not to let it go by too fast.  Just today, my sister-in-law, Honey, replied to a pic I sent her of my little man smooching me.. she said, "so sweet, treasure the moments."  I now know how precious this time really is.  Yesterday (it seems) I was just rubbing my tummy and watching her kick my hand.  I was giving birth to the most BEAUTIFUL baby ever created.. and I was just clapping and encouraging her first words.  She's not a baby anymore, but she'll always be MY baby.  This is the time that I must COMPLETELY give my worries to God, about her future and who she's becoming and will become.  Because ultimately, she's not really even mine.. she's His.  So my job is to help her grow to love Him and serve Him and honor Him with her life... no small task eh?

The Beginning...

Everyone here knows me (and if you don't, you're missing out on some entertainment), and knows that my heart has always had the inkling to write out what it feels.  Growing up, it was through poetry and diaries, but this seemed like a great way to share things that many of you hear directly from my mouth, but this can also be a way to get to know me better.  I hope to share some things that have shaped me into the growing Christian mother that I am today.  I am constantly asking myself, "Why isn't this easier?" and "Am I ruining my kids?" but through the encouragement of Godly women, I'm learning that this is just a part of being a mommy.